AI friendship & Zuckerberg's Latest Attempts To Solve People Using Code
Forget pubs and hugs, Meta's bringing you friendship with a user agreement
Meet your new best mate: an algorithm
Mark Zuckerberg wants to make AI your BFF, well, he can GTFOH.
Which makes sense, really. He’s always struck me as the kind of chap who studied friendship the way other people study ants.
From behind glass. With a cognition cocktail combination of mild aporia, ambivalence, and apathy. Picture Michael Fassbender’s David in the Alien films.
Let’s rewind: Zuck’s first, ahem, great invention was a website where you could rate how hot college girls were. Classy guy is Mark.
Nothing says "future architect of global connection" like like a horny data-hoarding dorm goblin hammering together a hot-or-not site because none of the hotties at Harvard would handle his hog.
From social network to synthetic network
Now, two decades later, he’s taken it upon himself to fix loneliness. Isn’t it just wonderful when billionaires think they know better than the rest of us?
He was on some generic podcast where he dropped the fib that the average American has fewer than three friends and needs about fifteen. Which is touching, if a little rich coming from a man who looks like he high-fives with the inside of his own pockets.
What’s his solution? Not community, not parks, not time to see your mates, ah no, no no, none of them. AI pals. Chatbots. Digital buddies who’ll never flake out on you, never judge your decisions, even the really stupid ones, and never, ever ask if you’re okay because they genuinely care.
This is what happens when you live around people who never say no to you. You become so detached from the reality of genuine human existence that you think everyone should agree with you all the time.
Help me, Zuckbot, I’ve been ghosted
According to his Zuckiness, people are already using his god-awful Meta AI to rehearse breakups and tough conversations.
Imagine that. You’re pacing your kitchen, heart pounding, and instead of calling a mate, you’re workshopping your feelings with something that also tells you what year Napoleon died if you ask nicely.
“Help me tell my girlfriend I’m unhappy,” you type. And AI responds: I understand. Would you also like a recipe for banana bread, or maybe I’ll order some Klenix and lube since you’re going to be alone? Again.”
This is the future, apparently. Not pints in the pubs with your pal. Not hugs or shrugs. We're getting software with colorised empathy sliders.
Real friendship is a mess, that’s the point
Zuckerberg assures us that AI won’t replace human connection. Just fill in the massive, gaping hole where it used to be.
Like stuffing a teddy bear with WiFi, and a fleshlight, or vibrator, depending on what you’re into, or both, whatever floats your boat.
He wants us to believe the answer to loneliness is a digital mate who’ll listen, support you, and maybe upsell you a Carhartt hoodie halfway through your emotional breakdown.
And look, maybe this all makes perfect sense to him. If your idea of banter is debugging Python and practising your smile in a bathroom mirror like a hostage negotiator, then yes, AI companionship sounds bang on.
Give us chips, awful karaoke, and actual people
I don't want that, you don't want that, sure, maybe some incel blokes want it but I like having a bonkers buddy who sends me voice notes at 2 am about ancient artifact recently found in some Aztec ruins in Guatemala that explains why moon landings weren't faked.
Give us the friend who shows up hungover, armed with a few bags of fish and chips and a half-baked plan to move to Portugal because he snogged a girl from Lisbon last night.
Give us the mess, the laughter, the arguments, and the Guinness-fuelled karaoke nights we’ll regret the next morning.
To Hell with this clean, synthetic friendship experience brought to you by the man who thinks blinking is an optional update.
Mark, pal. We don’t need beta-tested BFFs with ad-tracking. We need fewer billionaires trying to fix feelings like they once listened to a productivity bro podcasting about vulnerability and thought “Woah, bro, I can totes monetize that.”
I’m Paddy Murphy — a counselor, teacher, and writer with over twenty years of experience helping people face the world without losing their soul. If this piece stirred something in you — if you’re tired of being told to switch off your feelings in order to keep up — I can help you reconnect with what matters. Not as a guru. Not as a brand. Just as someone who believes empathy is still worth fighting for.
If you want to talk things through, I offer a free 30-minute discovery call.
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It’s interesting, this so-called intelligence thing, artificial or not. Cuz there’s this dark nifty little hole in it, and it’s not just an AI hole, it’s a human hole. Early studies on trauma - which has as it’s corollary of being in fear, a disconnection from humans as if one is the lone lone ranger - shows a decrease in IQ of about 20 points give or take. Now this little drop used to be called “mentally retarded” and was considered a state within which one must live for life. And now we see it as a choice kept in the heady swirl of insulated power of the Zuck and others. Must be hard to question your own intelligence when the coffee is always on time.
For better or worse, (mostly better) pub life is friend life. I don't think I'd exchange that for something virtual, anyway. And not only that, even if you enjoy a pint whilst chatting with your AI friend, it still is drinking alone.