Research recently featured in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience illustrates the broad spectrum of feelings humans instinctively experience when confronted with rejection or misunderstanding.
These feelings range from pain and envy to isolation, culpability, worry, and sorrow. Despite being unsettling, these emotions play a crucial role in driving personal development and change.
Marie-Catherine Mignault, a researcher in organizational behavior at Cornell University, explores deeper into how we understand emotions. In her research she has shown that feeling understood can greatly encourage trust, create strong connections, and encourage emotional support.
In a recent interview with Psychology Today, Mignault elaborated on her findings:
“When you feel understood by someone, you feel that this person ‘gets’ you in some fundamental way. It’s a comforting feeling, and it’s a crucial element in building healthy and fulfilling relationships.”
The Paradoxical Power of Misunderstanding
Feeling valued is, of course, wanted by all of us, but being misunderstood can actually encourage creativity and self-improvement.
This might seem paradoxical at first glance but when you think about it, if we’re not getting our point across successfully then we need to ‘box clever’ as we say at home, and think of other ways of being understood.
When we've been misunderstood, we're challenged to acknowledge our individuality, and step outside our comfort zones so that we can become understood, and indeed, accepted. In Mignault's words:
“We feel understood when others view how our emotions are normal and even desirable.”
This then is the driving force that makes us all want to be understood correctly.
Using Negative Emotions for Good
The emotions that arise from being misunderstood can be harnessed for personal growth, as they provide valuable insights into our thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
The feelings highlighted in the research published in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience included the following:
Feeling Hurt: When it feels like no one values us it forces us to stop and think. This forces us to become better and more articulate and, also, to work on improving our relationships with people.
Jealousy: This feeling can push us to better ourselves. It encourages us to watch out for our relationships, mainly if they are at risk due to outside circumstances.
Feeling Alone: Though it’s uncomfortable, feelings of loneliness can push us to re-engage with wider society. It nudges us to create new friendships or rekindle old ones. Viewed positively, this can be great fuel for stimulating personal growth.
Shame and Guilt: These feelings are probably the worst on this list, but they are powerful triggers for thinking about what is right and wrong. They push us to say sorry, when we should, and to keep our relationships strong.
Social Anxiety/Embarrassment: These ones can be the toughest to rein in. However, once we can get them under control they can push us to do better. They make us work hard to show our best side and be the best we can be.
Sadness: Battling against sadness forces us to regain control of our lives again and to seek positive emotions such as joy and happiness.
Balancing Understanding and Misunderstanding
As Mignault explains,
“We do believe that feeling understood does not happen in a vacuum; it must — at least on some level — be anchored in how we are actually understood by others.”
Achieving a balance between times of being understood and not fosters a more vibrant, varied existence.
Feeling understood and its opposite are like two faces of the same coin.
Being emotionally understood builds trust and bonds in our relationships. It helps us understand the twists and turns of human communication.
But it’s also crucial to value times when we’re not understood. We should see the divide between us and others as a bridge to learn how to improve our communication skills.
The next time you’re in a spot where others can’t quite get you, realize it could be a blessing in disguise. Learn to embrace being misunderstood as it just might feed your own personal growth.
It challenges us to explore the depths of our uniqueness, navigate discomfort, and emerge on the other side with a richer sense of self. So, embrace these moments of confusion. They are the keys to forming deeper relationships and personal improvement.
Hi, I’m Paddy. Thanks for reading my article. I’m a counselor, coach and meditation teacher.
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