Disenfranchised Grief
Battling with unrecognized loss when you feel alone
What we’ll be discussing in this article:
What is disenfranchised grief?
Society’s expectations of grief
Examples of disenfranchised grief
Treating disenfranchised grief
They say there are two certainties in life: death and taxes. Well, as true as that is, we can add a third: experiencing grief.
Grief is a natural and inevitable part of life, however, thanks to the way we’ve collectively decided to try and ignore death, it is often experienced in silence and alone.
We have pretty much turned our collective backs on how we’ve grieved for centuries meaning we’ve lost the ability to be able to deal with loss in better ways.
What is disenfranchised grief?
“Disenfranchised grief” is a term that was first coined by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka in 1989. It refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly seen.
It is a form of grief that is often invalidated or dismissed, leaving the bereaved feeling alone and unsupported during their mourning process.
With permission, I share the following. A few months ago I had a client who was in the middle of the grieving process. He had lost his girlfriend in a car accident. At the time, they had only been dating for a few weeks and they had not told anyone at work about their relationship.
When she died he was only given a half day to attend her funeral and his colleagues ‘moved on’ quickly while he was obviously very much in the throes of grief.
He could barely bring himself to eat, he had trouble sleeping and he felt overcome with sadness.
He said that while some of his colleagues noticed he was down about it they didn’t seem to really care all that much.
A new love had just been ripped away from him, his world in tatters, yet in work, people just seemed to carry on as if an employee had left rather than had suddenly died.
He did, at least, have his friends to confide in but while some were understanding and patient, some seemed distant as if they didn’t know how to handle a grieving friend.
He felt that people didn’t really know how to treat him because the relationship had been tragically ended while it was still just budding.
Society’s expectations of grief
Society certainly seems to have rigid expectations for how grief should be expressed and experienced. You get some time off, have the funeral, come back a few days later and you’re expected to have left your sadness at home.
It is expected that people grieve in a certain way, show certain emotions, and only for a certain period of time.
It’s utterly ridiculous.
When someone’s grief does not fit within these expectations, they can often be labeled as “overly emotional,” “in denial,” or, most damagingly “weak.”
For the person experiencing grief, this can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and even guilt.
Examples of disenfranchised grief
Disenfranchised grief can be experienced in a variety of situations, including:
Losses that are not culturally ‘sanctioned.’ This would be regarding the death of a non-marital partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, or even a pet. Other examples would include homosexual relationships which can tend to be kept ‘secret’ from colleagues and family. Extramarital affairs would also fall under this bracket.
Losses that are stigmatized, such as the loss of a loved one due to suicide, addiction, or certain illness.
Losses that are gradual or ‘invisible’ such as the loss of a parent to dementia.
Losses that occur in the context of other life stressors, such as the death of a loved one during, or shortly after, a divorce or another major life change.
The death of a sibling. While the partner and the children of your sibling will be given the most sympathy, the fact is that at least one of, let’s say a pair of siblings will have known the other all their life.
Culturally it would seem that the loss of a sibling isn’t important.
This is very much a modern problem, particularly in countries where enough time off work isn’t given for such a loss, meaning that people cannot properly grieve for their lost family member.
Treating disenfranchised grief
There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to people experiencing disenfranchised grief.
However, there are several things that we as counselors can do to help people cope.
With my clients, I focus on following these five elements to help.
Acknowledging grief: It is important to both acknowledge and accept that you are grieving, even if you feel that your grief is not ‘socially acceptable’.
Outside help: Talk to friends and family who have experienced loss. It’s not that they have to be a shoulder to cry on but rather you can learn from them how they grieved.
Expressing grief: It’s important to find ways to express your grief. This can include personal things like journaling, writing, drawing, or playing music. The idea here is that while you’re feeling sad about the loss you’re adding new, and better memories to the memory bank in your mind that’s connected with the lost loved one (more on this below).
Personal care: Prioritizing your physical and mental health by eating healthy, exercising regularly, even if this is just walking alone a few times a week, and getting enough sleep.
Use of ritual: With my clients, we create a ritual/ceremony. We can use an example from the aforementioned client who lost his girlfriend in an accident.
My client’s girlfriend had been a hiker while my client wasn’t really the outdoors type. However, I suggested that he take a hike one day along one of her favorite trails. I asked him to bring something belonging to her with him and in a place where it felt right to sit down and just hold her in his thoughts while there. My only rule was that he could not think in conditionals ‘should/would/could/might/ought to’ etc.
The reason being, that when we think about a person we’re creating new memories of them. When we use conditional thinking we’re tarnishing their memory so we stop at the crossroads of those thoughts and start again.
Here’s a short video of Dr. Kenneth J. Doka talking about disenfranchised grief:
Hi, I’m Paddy. Thanks for reading my article about living with a narcissistic parent.
I’m a counselor and spirituality teacher.
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