Disenfranchised Grief
Navigating Unrecognized Loss
Grief is a natural and inevitable part of life, however, the way the world works now, it is often experienced in silence and isolation. We have pretty much turned out collective backs on how we grieved for centuries meaning we’re lost the ability to be able to deal with loss in the proper way.
Disenfranchised grief, a term coined by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka in 1989, refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly mourned. It is a form of grief that is often invalidated or dismissed, leaving the bereaved feeling alone and unsupported in their mourning process.
With permission I give the following. A few months ago I had a client who was in the middle of the grieving process. He had recently lost his girlfriend who had died in a car accident. At the time they had only been dating for a few weeks and they had not told anyone at work about their relationship.
When she died he was only given a half day to attend the funeral and his colleagues ‘moved on’ quickly while he was obviously very much in the throes of grief. Some people noticed he was down about it but, according to him, most didn’t really care all that much. A new love had just been ripped away from him, his world shook, yet in work, people just seemed to carry on as if an employee had left rather than had suddenly died.
Society’s expectations of grief
Society often has rigid expectations for how grief should be expressed and experienced. We expect people to grieve in a certain way, with certain emotions, and for a certain period of time.
When someone’s grief does not fit within these expectations, they may be labeled as “overly emotional,” “in denial,” or “weak.” This can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and guilt for the bereaved.
Types of disenfranchised grief
Disenfranchised grief can be experienced in a variety of situations, including:
Losses that are not culturally sanctioned, such as the death of a pet or a non-marital partner. Other examples may be homosexual relationships which can tend to be kept ‘secret’ from colleagues. Extramarital affairs would also fall under this bracket.
Losses that are stigmatized, such as the loss of a loved one due to suicide, addiction, or a stigmatized illness.
Losses that are gradual or invisible, such as the loss of a parent to dementia.
Losses that occur in the context of other life stressors, such as the death of a loved one during a divorce or another major life transition.
The death of a sibling. While the partner, the children of your sibling will be given the most sympathy, the fact is that at least one of, let’s say a pair of siblings will have know the other all their life. Culturally it would seem that the loss of a sibling isn’t important. This is very much a modern problem, particularly in countries where enough time off work isn’t given for such a loss, meaning that people cannot properly grieve for their lost family member.
Causes of Disenfranchised Grief
There are a number of factors that can contribute to disenfranchised grief, including:
Lack of social support: When a person’s grief is not acknowledged or supported by others, they may feel isolated and alone.
Cultural norms: Some cultures have a more restrictive view of acceptable grieving behaviors, which can make it difficult for people to express their grief in a way that is consistent with their cultural norms.
Individual factors: A person’s personality, coping style, and relationship to the deceased can all contribute to whether or not they experience disenfranchised grief.
These were all factors with my recent client. Hardly anybody knew about his budding romance with his new girlfriend so he couldn’t really turn to many people to help him grieve. It was really just his siblings who knew about his new girlfriend but they had not actually met her.
He described his work culture as one where dating ’in house’ was definitely frowned upon and from the top-down there was a clear message of not mixing business with pleasure and he spoke about how there were very few times that staff mixed socially.
It had seemed to him that the people working there wanted to forgot about his girlfriend as soon as they could.
Treatment for disenfranchised grief
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to treating disenfranchised grief. However, there are a number of things that people can do to cope with this difficult form of grief.
With my client we looked at the following five ways to cope with disenfranchised grief and brought them into his life so he could better come to terms with the loss of his girlfriend.
Acknowledging grief: It is important to acknowledge and accept that you are grieving, even if you feel like your grief is not socially acceptable.
Seek outside help: Talk to people who have experienced loss and can provide empathy and support.
Express your grief in a healthy way: Find healthy and creative ways to express your grief, such as journaling, writing, drawing, music playing.
Take care of yourself: Prioritize your physical and mental health by eating healthy, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
Use of ritual: We both designed a particular ritual. My client’s girlfriend had been a hiker while my client wasn’t really an out-doors type. However, I suggested that he take a hike one day along one of her favorite trails. I asked him to bring something belonging to her with him and in a place where it felt right to sit down and just hold her in his thoughts while there. My only rule was that he cannot think in conditionals ‘should/would/could/might/ought to’ etc.
The reason being that when we think about a person we’re creating new memories of them. When we use conditional thinking we’re tarnishing their memory so we stop at the crossroads of those thoughts and start again.
Over the following weeks he did this ritual around once per week and we would talk about what he would think about while sitting there in our sessions. While the work situation didn’t change he leaned more on his siblings for help and advice and over time he was able to come to better terms with his loss.
Below is a short explanation from the aforementioned Dr. Kenneth J. Doka on the subject of disenfranchised grief.
Hi, I’m Paddy. Thanks for reading my article. I’m a counselor, coach and meditation teacher.
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