Developing Self-Respect
Why are we so hard on ourselves and what can we do to be a bit nicer to ourselves?
Defining ‘self-respect’ is a bit of a tricky one, but I land on the issue that self-respect is the act of understanding our worth, honoring our needs, and making choices that help us keep our sense of dignity.
It’s also closely connected with our understanding of self-esteem and behaviors of self-care and self-love.
Often it’s easier to define something by showing what it is not. So, what’s the opposite of self-respect? Disrespect. And how do you know if you’re disrespecting yourself? Well, have a look at this checklist:
Do you honor your needs and wants?
Do you find it difficult to say ‘no’ to others?
Are you often manipulated and taken advantage of?
Do people infringe on your personal boundaries?
Do you spend time wondering about what other people think about you?
Do you use harsh language when you think about yourself (I’m not good at X, I’m not smart enough, I’m not good-looking enough, etc.)?
We’ve all fallen into the trap of doing some of the above, so how then do we get ourselves back on track?
One method is to examine why we carry out the above behaviors. The best way to do this would be with a professional counselor or psychologist but it can also be done alone.
You will need to write down the negative thoughts that come to mind and all the instances where personal boundaries were infringed and examine the reasons behind the thoughts and the events.
Here are three other ways to address fixing our self-respect:
1. Stop being so hard on yourself
Give yourself a break. I remember when I was doing therapy I had a real breakthrough moment with my therapist when she led me along a line of questions where I came to realize that I’d been stuck talking negatively to myself since at least my teenage years.
This had done so much damage to my self-confidence and self-esteem.
The inner critic is probably our loudest inner voice but we need to come to realize that it’s just one aspect of our inner selves. It’s an important one but it doesn’t mean that we always have to listen to it.
We’re human, we mess up. It happens. And what do you do when you fall off a horse? You dust yourself down and get back up into the saddle.
2. Self-care
Oh, but I don’t deserve it? Dude, you do, we all do.
Here’s the thing about doing things we enjoy, or doing things to help us relax. We’re giving ourselves a wee reward because we’re telling ourselves that we’re worth all the drudgery and toil that we put ourselves through.
By doing the things we enjoy, things like hobbies, playing an instrument, being in nature, we help build some self-esteem because we take little wins along the way. We learn anew song, for example, or we reach the top of a mountain and all of these wee little ‘wins’ help us to build self-confidence.
3. Looking at relationships
I had this thought that I was a good judge of character. We all think that. But many of us don’t. Thanks to therapy I learned that I was surrounded by toxic friends who took advantage of me and manipulated me into doing things I didn’t want to do. Indeed, I felt like the friendships hinged on me doing things for them.
Looking back now, I can’t believe I was so stupid but then again, I can’t be too hard on myself and I have to look at them as learning experiences.
It’s like this, and it took me a while to learn it so I’d like to tell it to anyone who needs to hear it: you are under no obligation to tolerate anyone else’s toxic behavior.
If you’re being manipulated, disrespected, unsupported and/or neglected by anyone, you have the choice to either make chances to the relationship and mend things, or drop it and get out of dodge.
But remember that you always have a choice.
Would you like to work on developing your self-respect? Contact me here if you’d like to book a one-on-one life coaching/counseling session with me.
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